“When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.”
~ Joseph Campbell
Bliss. It is utterly terrifying. Because when you've reached the top, there is nowhere to go but down.
My heart is bursting. I don't remember a time in my life when I was happier or more content. I can't imagine there ever could have been such a time.
There is a bubble of love all around me and I am forcing myself to remember this feeling, to imprint it on my memory. Every tingle of this high and the warmth and glow that come with it.
Suddenly all of the things in my life that seemed for so long to be so big and scary and suffocating seem insignificant. A weight that only weeks ago had felt so heavy has been lifted up off of my shoulders and I'm struck by how manageable it now appears from my new vantage point.
A past that was holding me back has released its death grip and I'm clearly seeing a world that is bright and colorful and loving. There are people with open arms and smiles everywhere I turn and I realize that they were there all along but I was too consumed with my own sadness to see them.
For so long I was hitting walls everywhere that I turned. For so long nothing seemed easy. And then it happened- one right turn followed by another. Some resistance in some directions led me in others and with each turn and new path, the right way was easier to find. My heart felt lighter and I just knew that this was the way. All of the struggles up until now were just leading me to here and now and I want to cry with happiness.
But it's not pure. I wish it was.
There is such a long way to fall. A moment of joy is immediately followed by a moment of panic. How quickly will this be taken away? When will it all go wrong?
Walking down the sidewalk toward my home I watched my daughter running a few meters ahead towards some older neighbor girls that she adores. Her blond curls bounced in the sunlight and her arms reached out on either side of her. She is so trusting, so loving, so full of life. I wanted to run after her, scoop her up and never let go. Stay this happy, honey. Remember this feeling forever and feel nothing else. I walked slowly though, dragging my bag and her lunchbox and various accoutrement, my heels clicking on the sidewalk, a smile spreading across my face as I watched her run. I have love in my life, lists to make, events to plan, people to meet, a new life to start....
Inside I'm screaming: Please just let me enjoy this for a little while.
Remember this feeling... remember what it is like to be this happy.
