So happiness is and was fleeting. Proof that when you have it you have to soak it up and drown yourself in it as long as possible. I did get there since my last post. For several glorious hours I allowed myself to feel positively joyous. My partner was by my side, my professional situation was promising and fulfilling, dear friends surrounded me in a celebration of a life beginning a new chapter. In a sexy midtown lounge forty floors below my office, I felt pure contentment. For those brief moments, I was truly happy.
And then a phone call. I had to go outside to hear what was being said. I stood on the sidewalk on 48th street trying to understand what it meant. The bouncers asked if I was alright. I said no. It didn't make any sense. Everyone was fine. We made it through what we thought was the worst tragedy we would face for at least another decade. Only two years earlier we'd been hit too closely. Surely another hit would not come so soon?
It did. And it's hard. The tears were immediate. I wanted to collapse under the weight of the news.
So now what? The battle.
His fight. The plan was already decided and the first phase was well underway.
Our fight. All of us who are close to this and who have come so far together and are not going to let this consume us.
We were all doing so well. Beautiful life-altering moments had filled our lives over the last few months. To prepare us for this? Maybe life has set us up to be in peaceful and safe and stable places in our lives so that we could be strong enough to handle this.
I have to believe that.
I am stuck between the cynicism of my recent past and the rediscovered optimism of my distant past when thinking about my future. I want to believe this was all planned in some way and the end result will be more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Tragedies led to affirmations which led to another tragedy that we are just simply better prepared for now.
I know that amazing and wonderful lives are lost every day. I know this. But this one is simply too gifted, too unique, too rare and beautiful. The odds are good. The support is there. The resources are there. This one will fight and win and bring us more revelations and beauty and precious precious laughter.
And we will have all passed another test, and earned more happiness still. More bliss. Perfect bliss.
And then, then it will be truly appreciated.
